I love Rupaul.
Her song—You Better Work…that really says it all.
Think about it—at no point does Rupaul advocate fighting.
What do you fight for?
I fight for my kids when they are in jeopardy…yes, I will admit to that…
If someone broke into my house, there’s not going to be much of a fight, because I have no issues pulling the trigger and calling someone to come retrieve the body.
Protecting myself and my kids…not a question…and yes, I say that with dead calm and surety as to what I am saying–so don’t even question that. You have comments to make about it–they better be positive or else I have no time for you. Just so I am crystal clear on boundaries here.
But, when it comes to regular every day kind of stuff…what does fighting get you?
I have never been a fighter.
I want to talk things out. I don’t yell or scream…unless pushed to the extreme.
That is just not who I am.
I have issues with my hearing, I will admit, so sometimes I will speak loudly….but yelling, screaming…if that happens, I have been pushed beyond my limits and feel trapped and powerless, like a wild animal pushed back into a corner with a hunter’s gun in their face…
I don’t fight.
When I was in WV trying to get back to my oldest son in MO—I did not fight: I worked.
When I made it into my house in the MO area, I didn’t fight to get things the way I wanted: I worked.
I do not fight Mother Nature to grow things that should not be grown in this part of the world: I work with Her, with what I have…and sometimes that has meant not growing x plant, but growing the similar y plant instead.
When we have mega-algae issues in the aquarium, I don’t fight the algae (darn brown slime algae, gross)…I work to get rid of it, without killing the fish.
There is a balance with working with something, a natural give and take…
Nothing comes from fighting, I have learned, except struggle, heart ache and more fighting.
I have somehow ended up in a relationship where fighting is the norm. Where every day is a fight. Where every activity is a fight. Where every interaction is a battle.
It is draining. It is stressful. It is destructive. It is unhappy-making. It is killing my heart and my soul every second I am in it.
I do not understand how I allowed myself to get into this sort of relationship, but I will not punish myself for doing so. Here I am…and I have to fix me.
I allowed myself to accept that fighting is the appropriate norm.
I have never fought like this ever, not in my marriage, not in any romantic relationship, not in any friendship, not in any work relationship, not ever ever…
Do I never yell? Oh, ask my kids. Eventually, I get fed up—I have a daughter that when you look up the word apathetic in the dictionary there is her picture. After so long, I break down and I yell.
The difference is—I yell for 5, 10 minutes—I get the sh*t out of my system—and we can move on from there. My normal approach is to apologize for losing it and move forward. That’s the way I am set up–that’s the way I have always rolled–that is what works for me.
This relationship at the moment that is so heinous…there are no apologies. I feel I have to be constantly on my guard. Every comment is an attack. The comments are insidious. The other person says, ‘I’m just teasing.” or “It’s just a joke.” and that makes everything ok…but these “jokes” are extremely hurtful and nasty.
The only examples that I have held on to right now are towards my kids, especially my youngest…and I do not care to repeat them at the moment…because they make me so upset…
The other party in the relationship seems to thrive on this havoc. That party seems to need this sort of nasty activity and this constant bickering…as far as I can tell because that’s how this person was raised…this is what this person has decided on some level is appropriate and proper … and there is no getting that particular individual out of that mindset…plus, it’s not my job to change any other person…I am in control of myself…that is where I need to start…and that is what I am doing.
What you learn as a child is appropriate in a relationship between your parents is the format most children move forward using for all their relationships throughout life…unless something interrupts that and they learn something else–not everyone wants to learn a different way though.
This relationship has caused me for the past few years to really become someone I do not recognize, someone I do not like…and someone that more often than not I outright hate…
And I want to say…it is not really the relationship itself…I have allowed the circumstances and I have allowed the changes—for whatever reason—I allowed myself to get sucked in – I allowed myself to get twisted up…
I allowed myself to reach a space where I feel truly despicable and unworthy—I allowed myself to reach that space where I honestly cannot stand who I am or what I have become.
That is not a pretty place to be.
Plus, although I have not gone into detail on this blog, I have been pretty clear that my usual self-care and self-soothing methods are not possible where I currently reside.
If ever you think small simple things…like a bath…have no bearing on your outlook—you are wrong.
Well…maybe they have no bearing on your particular outlook—but they do mine.
I am a Pisces. I am an Ocean-Dwelling Spirit. I need that connection with being submerged on a regular basis. Sticking my butt, or my foot, or my hand, or whatever body part in what amounts to a bowl does not count as a bath…
Finding new techniques for self-care and self-soothing…is not as easy as it seems…
Things I used to depend upon…like reading…like knitting…new things now like art journalling or sketching…they actually create more stress in this current environment for various different reasons.
I have been fighting.
I have been fighting this house – and whatever allergens it holds.
I have been fighting to do x…I have been fighting to do y…I have been fighting for z…
The more I fight, the harder everything becomes.
The harder things become, the harder I feel I have to fight…
It’s this nasty vicious cycle…it’s a big circle.
I fight—things get harder. Things get harder, I fight harder.
What I really want to know is—why has it taken me so long to see that this is a self-destructive process – why has it taken me so long to realize that I control my process, whether I can do what I normally do for healing and self-care or not…
I do not fight.
I am not a fighter.
Fighting is not my thing.
I am laying down the sword and the cross bow.
Although I am going to hang on to this shield, probably for a good long time. Just in case…
When someone becomes used to you being a certain way, it can take quite awhile for that other person to catch on that you are no longer fighting back…
I have to work on me to find a balance again, to find me again.
I have to work to rebuild my work, because I know once I have my business back up and running on a regular basis, some of the stress I feel will fall away.
I have to work to re-establish some sort of self-care routine.
I have to work to find some sort of self-soothing routine.
I have to work on finding me again, on being me again.
I have to work to re-establish the way I prefer to communicate.