What Is Missing…

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It took me awhile to figure out what is genuinely missing in my life.

Then I read Sheri Ponzi‘s bhakti practice of creating hearts.

That’s when it started to hit me…I have lost that connection, that spiritual depth, in my life.

There is something about where I am right now that has literally sucked the joy, pleasure and soul from my existence slowly over the past five or six years.

It was one of the slow innocuous things. Little things slip away and you forget to miss them.

Without the foundation of the little things, when the bigger things begin to falter, there is nothing and no one there to help catch you—and before you know it—you are flailing around.

I have slowly been reclaiming those lost little bits of myself, like little shards of my soul shattered all about, hidden out of sight lest they offend people—people that I don’t know and could care less about…

I am coming back into myself. Bit by bit.

I do not mean to intend to create hearts as a devotional practice. I deeply admire Sheri’s practice, but that is her practice.

I do intend to put more of my own self into my work.

I think I have pretty much stopped doing all the guided art class work I have before me. The intuitive stuff – that still thrills me and speaks to me…but honestly, I am not doing much of that either. I am busy working on my own things…with the exception of the Red Madonna Queen of the Cosmos canvas I spoke of recently...but most of that is intuitive technically as well…

I have fallen into someone else’s habit of waiting until things are right, until the time is right, until this happens, until that shows up, or we have this…that sort of thing…and that is not my usual thing. I have spent far too much of my life missing the present because I had to live for the future…well, I do not trust the Future…I could get hit by a car the second I walk outside—or considering where we live, a stray bullet could ricochet through the house and hit me…or my body could decide enough is enough and stroke out…no one gives us a guarantee of tomorrow…and I have long disliked living for a tomorrow that I have no guarantee of…

When I started to let go of that crippling belief—that as soon as everything is ‘right’, as soon as we have ‘enough’ here, as soon as we do enough that, some of my health issues began to right themselves. I have a long long way to go…I went from fifteen+ years with CFS into AFS…and that is a long fight to rebuild your body … but to have that surge of oh, I feel…better than I did before…after so long of nothing but pain and dis-ease and pure exhaustion on all levels…a little better is like reaching a whole new mountain top…

With this in mind, I have decided to start writing and posting it here on this blog…originally I had planned to start posting everything to a separate blog reserved just for prompt responses and whatnot, especially with an eye towards where Wednesday Prompts is going in the next year or so…but as I sat with it…it felt–disingenuous…so I decided the best thing to do would be to keep posting everything to the same main blog here and let all the other things go…

Yet, Evangeline and I are working on an Oracle Card a Day reading blog, found here…and now I have this other blog.  I will be honest…my heart is not in the project in itself–but I am all in if it encourages Evangeline to work with something that interests her.

What to expect from my writing and prompt responses?

I get at least three different writing prompts in my inbox daily – plus some weekly—and others just show up sort of randomly…plus, it’s not as if I don’t have my own prompts that show up every Wednesday here on this blog.

What does all of this have to do with bhakti?

In order to honor the Divine…I must honor the Divine within me…the Divine Spark within me swirls up from a Gypsy heart—full of music and dance…which have slowly been creeping back into my world…I am the Story-teller and the Artist…and all that I do, I do for the Divinity within and without.

It is the same as all other lessons—you can love no other, above or below, until you truly love yourself. If you cannot love yourself, then you do not love what the Great Divine has created…it’s that whole double-edged sword thing.

I hope you enjoy witnessing this journey of mine. I never know where it is going to take me…sometimes not even once I get there…lol…

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