Letting It Go

It seems ‘t is the season for “letting go”.
I understand. Samhain is coming. Winter is coming. Releasing all the things you may have been holding on to can be a very good thing.
However, I am sick and tired of being told to “let it go”. Let it go. Let it go.
Has anyone ever stopped and thought—if I keep letting everything go, what will I have left?
Now, I am not intimating that we should all hold on to our hurts, our pains, our injuries. I am saying…there has to be a line somewhere.
There is that old adage, forgive and forget. But—you know—fool me once, shame on you—fool me twice, shame on me. If you fool me twice (or more than that) simply because I let it go and I forgot about it…that means—I am an idiot and I am asking to be made a fool of—and that is not at all Me.
Now, I have worked so hard over the years to forgive, without forgetting, without holding on to any hurt, rancor, ire, angst or feelings of inadequacy. It is indeed a work in progress.
But—all this let it go stuff… I will be honest. It is wearing on me.
If I keep letting things go that were once very important to me, as I keep being told to do, online and off, then what do I have left?
Oh, you can’t have x right now—let it go. Oh, you can’t have y right now—let it go. So I told you z, let it go.
No. I want x. I want x and I deserve x. So I cannot have it right now, but I can work towards it.
No. I want y. I want y and I deserve y. So I cannot have it right now, but I can work towards it.
No. You told me z and you were wrong and I have the right to no longer believe a word you say—the right to no longer trust you—I have the right to seek to protect myself from further harm caused by your lies, no matter how “white”, no matter how “small”, no matter how inconsequential/insignificant/etc, because if I were to “let it go”, as you continue to tell me, shame on me, because I am obviously asking to be made a fool of – and I tell you yet again, that is not me.
Now, a word with which I can (and do) work is release. It goes along the lines of forgiving, without holding on, without forgetting. I can release the emotions x, y, z brought up. I can release my attachment to needing x and y. I can release my fears, my anger, my dis-ease with everything (based on z).
I have no desire to hold on to any energies or emotions that may hold me back.
I know I am not a perfect person. I do not strive to be “perfect” in the eyes of the world. I strive to honor myself, my path, and my people. I strive to treat all with ahimsa, with respect, with compassion, to the best of my ability. If I fall off of my path, I ask for forgiveness, from others and from myself, and then I move on. I am not holding on to things. I am not living in the past.
The other thing I am not happy to do is to live in the future. Right now, that seems to be about the only way I can manage to maintain some semblance of sanity. I have a very high-stress, high-need high-maintenance toddler. I have – a great many things I choose to keep private. (I have a toddler—everyone who knows anything about toddlers know—I’m going crazy most of the time just trying to put out the metaphorical fires he creates, lol…)
I do the best I can to stay grounded. I do the best I can to keep my goals in mind. Since all of my dreams have been pummeled into dust in the past few years, I am not worrying about creating new dreams…because I do not want to allow anyone to destroy them and take them away from me. So, I will stick with my goals.
I release the tension and the guilt. I release the need to rebuild the dust of dreams. I release the need to fulfill obligations that I never accepted in the first place, but somehow became my responsibility.
My life is my own. I do not have to check in with family members or with friends to make sure I can do something. I do not have to check in with society or anything else to make sure I can do something. (I am not talking about breaking laws of any kind…that’s not my thing. Thank you.) I release the hold that such entities somehow gained over me in the past few years.
And I am ok with the flashback, the feedback and the – complete garbage that gets thrown my way because I somehow found myself in a landmine of a reality I did not agree to engage with…and I am no longer eager to play the games that were forced upon me.
I do not hold grudges based on the above. I didn’t let it go—I released all the energies I had caught up in such things.
That’s me.
I have my own flow…and release is much healthier for me than “letting it go”.