A New Project…

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I have been wrestling with taking more classes to expand my knowledge base, on many topics, of late.  The only classes I am really taking at this moment are…anything but art classes…

Sometimes I miss having that framework of a class to fall into, to fall back on to when I forget what it is I want to be doing…having classwork, homework, to do gives me a reason to be greedy and take time for myself that I wouldn’t otherwise get or allow myself.

There are a lot of year-long classes.  There are a lot of monthly subscriptions.  You pay for the month and have access to everything.  Yada yada.  There are many free-standing classes.  There are many self-paced and self-directed classes.

There are a few that pique my interest.  Yet, nothing really genuinely calls to me.  I have an interest, because that is who I am…but I balk every time I sit down and think, is this class something I want, something I need, something that appeals to me, something that will lead me somewhere on my journey…and invariably of late, no matter how much I love the subject matter, no matter how much I love the teacher, I always end up saying…not right now.  Even to many many free classes as well.

It dawned on me a few days ago that this is probably the reason I don’t feel up to creating any classes at the moment.  I am so unconnected/disconnected to classes of this nature that I am stepping back from creating them.  Even though I usually have much of the course material sitting ready to be typed up, videos made, handouts printed up…

So, I have been searching, soul-searching, meditating, pondering…what is going to mean something to me.  It always comes back to one thing…I want to — not reconnect–because that sounds as if I have dropped all ties and turned my back and that is not in any way true–I want to re-establish an excellent relationship with the Divine, the way I used to have that deep constant strong connection…only…I want it to be better than it was before.

I have spent several years now, working through other people’s classes, doing other people’s work, on things that stirred my soul and felt like they were heading in the right direction for me…but when I sat back, when I reflected, there was always something missing for me.

Now, I understand what has been missing.  Me–doing my work.  Me–working through my own things.  Me–stirring my own soul.

It’s funny.  My friend and I talk about the 201, the 301, and on and one classes…where are they?  There are so many 101 classes out there, beginner’s classes.  I will not speak for her, but I know myself I have tried to push myself to have that beginner’s mind into those places because…a beginner’s mind is essential–because there is always something new to learn, a new way to look at old things, so on and so on…

But, I have been reading this book, and I have been trying to work my way through it for well over a year now.  I read a few pages and then I stop–I digest.  I allow it to work on me.  Then I forget about it.  This is a beginner’s book, but it is a different sort of beginner’s book for me.  It’s not about the 101 stuff.  It is a beginner’s book for people who have and who are moving beyond the basic initial blah blah blah and who want to actually learn how and actually plan to do the real work of it.

That’s when it hit me.  It’s not about reading more books.  Have I said this before?  Me?  The uber-knowledge hoarder?  The bookworm?  The…perennial student? Yes, she who actually plans to eventually go back to school and get that degree in Art History…yup…that’s me.

It is about taking your subject matter and engaging in it, engaging with it, digging into it.  Creating your work as an entity.  Giving your work a name.  (I dub thee Sir So-And-So.  My goodness…)  Creating a relationship with your work.  Not using someone else’s work as a foundation.  Hmm.  How do I put this?  Because there are so many ancient texts that can be used as a foundation–like the Bible, like the Koran, like the Sutras, and so forth and so on…I am in no way discounting these structures as a foundation.  What I am discounting is accepting someone else’s methodology of interacting with this sort of thing and not actually putting your own thoughts, your own work, your own style, and so on, into it.

Then the whole #100Day Project emails starting hitting my inbox.  That, coupled with this image drawn in charcoal that has been stirring around in my brain, waiting for me to sketch it out, struck a chord in me.

So, this is sort of a declaration of my doing the #100Day Project…#100DaysofShe for me.

This isn’t what it sounds like.

I have been reaching out, reaching out…one Deity after another.  Mother Mary.  Kwan Yin.  Brighid.   Freya.  Kali.  Oshun.  On and on the list can go…not a single one of them felt *right*…but in their own way, every one of them felt *right*…just not *right* enough.

Back to the contemplation board…when I heard a voice whisper something, most of which apparently went in one ear and out the other–I was more than half asleep at the time…but what came of it was…why bind myself to one creation, one form, when what I am seeking is the Infinite Form of that creature?

She.

The Timeless. The Endless.  The perfect complement to the He of my childhood church-going.  Or is She?

Right now–those boxes do not matter.

What matters to me is allowing that connection to She to open…

Will I create 100 pieces of art around this theme?  Honestly–I dunno.

I plan to write.  I plan to sketch.  I plan to paint.

I plan to allow this to take its course.

I do not in any way plan to allow 100 days to be the start and the end of this project.

If I have work to show, I will show it.  If I reach 100 pieces–yippee.  If I don’t, yippee skippy.  If there are more…boy howdy.  It is what it is..an on-going dialogue with the Divine Essence of She…and inviting Her into my life and into my world more fully and completely.

Thank you for listening.

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