I have been more on hiatus in these past few years since my now 5-year-old was born than I want to admit…even though this has also been such an incredibly productive and creative time for me. I have taken many paths I never thought I might step foot down…and here I am, on the other side…
The interesting thing is I have become sucked into my own wind tunnel…I have been so busy doing other people’s stuff (as in taking classes, reading books, etc etc) and trying to stay sane with two teens and a little guy….and the cats, and the dogs, and the gerbil….and my poor fish…and the plants…I somehow managed to get lost in all of this.
I have been looking at my to do list…the courses I need to create, the ones I need to pull out of outline form, the things I need to test knit, the items I need to knit by request of family members, the things I need to paint, the stories I need to write, the … tails I need to chase…all these strings and things…they all add up…
I have had to admit that I have taken so much time away from me, away from my stuff, that I feel as if I am beginning at the very beginning all over again. My knitting was in such a good space when I got pregnant with my youngest…and now, I often feel that the quality of my abilities has gone down. I don’t read as much as I used to…not just because of the boy, but because my eye sight has shifted and I am still trying to find the best way to deal with that. I want bifocals or something, but the ophthalmologist doesn’t think it’s as bad as I feel it is. If I need a magnifying glass to read…it’s as bad as I feel it is…just sayin’…but I am working on it. My writing…ahhh…when I sit down to write, it feels…stilted and wrong….I have a plethora of pages in my fiction journal now that are all X-ed over…something I have done my whole life, since I was about nine years old….and I feel as if I can’t do it anymore…and that is a shame.
I started doing what I normally do in these situations…I start researching. I start reading blogs and newsletters and what books I can. I start…studying…I start looking outside…and since I am in the midst of creating courses for different things, it hit me in a particular manner that the stuff I am reading is not something I would be offering to myself if I were to create something for someone in my situation.
The truth is…I am not a beginner. I have faith in having a beginner’s mind, yes…but that is not the same as being a complete beginner. The only sources I have come upon of late are for those who are complete beginners…I am someone who is …beginning again. It’s all in there. It’s all inside me. I have to stop—and I have to be allowed to have the silence and the space to be there with myself for more than a second or two at a time—which happens to be the hardest part of all around here…and then…I need to do the work.
I don’t need someone else telling me – this is the work you need to do and this is how you need to do the work. I know what I need to do…and I know how I need to do the work in the way that is best for me…or I did…and I just need to find that space once again…my big issue is with all these voices saying….this is how you do it…don’t do it that way….do it this way.
Ok, so your way works for you…and that is a good thing. I am truly happy for you. You are not me. You are not here. You do not respond to my circumstances as I do. Only I do that. So only I can decide what way works best for me.
And that is the space I am currently in…the whole I know what used to work best for me…I know where I want to be, how I want to do things, where I want to go—it’s just in our currently very shifting paradigm here, finding that space and that quiet time to make things work for me again. It also requires me getting over my fears.
The ground beneath me has not been solid for a long time, in my eyes. In the past few months, especially the past few weeks, things have settled down. Foundations have strengthened. Healthy boundaries have been set and others are being set. The energies around me have grown closer, instead of being all these random shooting stars. I feel I am on solid ground. I have a clear focus. I have some strong goals in place. I no longer worry that these goals won’t be met, or that attaining these goals will be hindered. I feel good. Life feels good. I feel stronger.
I know it is merely a matter of time before the outer shifts come into place as these inner shifts have come.
That feels good.
So what is all this about? This is just me sharing my path with you…it’s a bumpy road…there is a lot of work to be done…but I am back on my own path…and I am doing my own work once again. I hope to start sharing more with you.
Thank you for coming along on this journey with me.