It’s October. Not my usual ‘scheduled’ time to discuss my word of the year. To remind you, this year, “settle in” chose me. However, it’s October. Samhain is my New Year…and Autumn is when I start to feel alive again in the year…and start getting antsy about getting things done and planning for next year.
Planning for next year looks a bit different this year, because I have learned a great deal from simply being this year and not so much doing. I’ve also spent more time in doctor’s offices and hospital waiting rooms – for myself, not for someone else—this year than … perhaps the rest of my life combined…many things are going on.
And yet…I am settling in…settling in to my body…with whom I have not had a decent conversation since the first ‘official’ miscarriage more than eight years ago. I am settling in to the house, even though I am not physically able to do as much as I want to do as fast as I want to do things to dismantle the chaos that has accumulated during the past years when I had to rely on others (a teen-ager) to help pick up the slack because I was sick/unable to do so…and trust me when I say, relying on said teen-ager, not the greatest thing. We are all learning that…as if we didn’t know…as she now has a place of her own and my husband and I are doing the things she used to do (or was supposed to do) and finding…things are much easier now.
This – and the epiphany that I no longer have to hide my stuff to make sure it will be there when I want/need it—has lead to …layers being pulled back. Armor being dismantled. Battle lines being erased. An ease rising up and settling in, all on its own. Who knew?
I’ve also reached a different space in my art, settling more into me, what makes me feel better, what makes me feel good. It’s a good space…and learning to be me, to do me, rather than to rely on what I have learned—it’s not easy…but I am getting there.
It’s an interesting feeling…the housework, the artwork, the work of being me…it’s almost as if I have been a seed for so very long…and now I am pushing up through the layers of detritus, stripping away the unessential, and turning towards the Sun—or in my case, the Moon…it’s a good feeling.
I do get tense; I do get anxious; I do get worried—I want to DO more…and I simply am not physically able to do so…and that level of patience … well, I am still working on it.
It will be interesting to see what word envelopes my coming year…especially since my Bird Guide has already appeared in full feather…(more on that later)…
I know my next year will look vastly different than this year, and the years before it. The core of my focus has shifted. Not necessarily changed per se…but shifted. I have long said, same journey, different path…and that is what it feels like. I am still heading towards the same end, but now, I’m taking different paths. Maybe even heading in alternative directions.
All I can say at the moment is this whole process, while not always comfortable, does feel good at the end of the day.
How is your year going?