I started 2019 full of good intentions. I had—still have—a well-thought-through blogging schedule, with many ideas for blog posts to get/keep things flowing…I had—and still have—a steady work schedule drawn up—release dates for different programs, books, patterns, and other offerings…but none of that has manifested…because every time I sit down to think about things, to start working on things, something stops me. I have been very ill all year—but having chronic issues means I have … chronic issues…I have had them for years now, so I should be used to working with them and working around them…at least in some way…but this year, as I collapse physically, instead of my mind flying around and my being able to scribble notes or type things up—everything shuts off, shuts down, and I blank out…and then the end of the day has come…I go to bed…I wake up—nothing gets accomplished…because I am not the only one in the household (of those who can/do help maintain said household) who has ground to a holt in this manic holding pattern…
I have had times where I am able to write, able to feel as if I am moving forward…and I am finding myself … wanting to tear down all that I have already built up—and not begin again…but do what it is that I do—in a different way, take it a different direction. I am being called to listen more than I am being called to act right now. There is a path for me to which I am being led at this time—it is simply not entirely clear to me at this time. I am still on the same journey…but the way I am getting there, the pathways I am taking…those are currently shifting and changing…
I cannot blame all of this on 2019. This has been a long time coming now. The last two years, with health issues and surgeries…even this year where some of the health issues are tamed; others are still rampant and wandering; some are simply here and must be tolerated and dealt with to the best of my/our ability. But…the work goes on…I am not giving up simply because my body aches or refuses to cooperate.
I have been working, as best I can, mostly inside my head…and I think I am seeing the next steps I am to be taking. So…new things are brewing. New things are coming… Hopefully, the Summer Solstice has awakened the energy I need to put thoughts into action and get started on this new path.
Having said all that—I will still be making art. I will still be creating courses. I will still be writing. I will still knit—and crochet—and homeschool…and I will still suffer random pains, migraines, lack of impetus and ability to move…but I will still keep going.
One thing that I am definite about is being far more honest here about my journey, physical, mental, spiritual…instead of glossing over it and not really allowing anyone to see me. No more trying to pretty up things when they aren’t very pretty. Tough love…not brutality. Just more of me coming out of the shadows again.
Thanks for continuing with me as I go along this journey.