Learning to trust the Universe, to trust the Divine, is not an easy process for me.
I have been very clear…I am not happy in this house. I am not happy in this city–or county–or section of the country. I deeply miss my home. Even though I have lived here in this area since 1999, with about 2 years elsewhere. I went back to where I came from, but my oldest son lives out here, so I came back. I had to leave back East to realize just how good it is, how much I miss it, and how I cannot wait to get back there. I made a choice to stay here until my oldest was old enough to be on his own and I abide by that, no matter how miserable this place makes me.
However, I am trying to re-write my I hate this story, because I cannot bear the negativity of telling myself this story over and over and over again. It isn’t making anything better to do this to myself. So, I have started to work on reframing and retelling my story.
In my new story, much to my chagrin, I have to stop focusing on the here and now and focus on the future–which is something I genuinely hate to do. I am all about be here now and live the life you have. But when here and now sucks swamp water and monkey a$$, I try the best I can. I have to focus on the positive…and that is the future, hands down.
Instead of focusing on the house I live in — I work to give gratitude that it holds us safe from storms, from hot weather, from cold weather, from floods, from thieves, from gunshots. I am grateful to have a place to sleep, for my children to sleep, for a washer and dryer that work. All of those simple things that can be taken for granted until you don’t have them. I work to focus on what we are looking for in the new house, the one that we are moving to at some point in the near future: a swimming pool, a fire place, a privacy fence, a bedroom for each of us, studio space, storage space, a beautiful kitchen, a two to three car garage, land for the dogs and kids to run, room for chickens and bunnies and gardens…just to make sure the Universe understands that the ideas are not changing here.
It began as a difficult process, this trying to find positives inside the negative. And then, after fighting to do it for several (several) months, there was a flip–and it became easy.
And, once it became easy, there was a shift. Now, I am looking to paint the walls in this house, hopefully with a paint that can cover nuclear fall-out, ahem…but still…the paint has to be able to cover…after my adventures in trying to scrub the walls here clean in the past (on many occasions) I worry that no matter what we do…the dirt and grime will show through…but I am going to have faith in the house working with us so it can find new hosts to live within its walls.
Along with my shift about the inside of the house, a shift has come for the outside. I want to plant again. This isn’t the greatest year to plant things. It was too cold to plant anything in May…and there was one weekend that we could have done it, but we didn’t–and then it was too hot to plant anything. Seriously. I worry about the little finches who come to feast on our sunflowers because this year there is only one sunflower, if the dog and the heat don’t kill it before it gets to bloom.
I want to plant bearded iris. I miss them. My grandmother used to grow them, in one long row (that I always thought was, uhm, really bizarre actually) behind the house. Not a bed or anything…the flowers just came up in one long row…and they were not thinned out yearly that I know of…so they just grew.
I want to plant more daylilies. And move the ones we have. I have a list of things I want to do…my main goal is to work on the outside of the house more once it grows cooler again…and to focus more on the inside of the house as best as I can all the time.
Along with the shift in looking at the house, I work and I have been working on the way I view other things. Myself. My children. Other relationships. Laundry (laundry…not my favorite activity). I wonder what it will take for me to unpack all my icons and statuary again. Well, ok, my toddler really has to grow up more…we’ve lost several other statues and knick knacks to his…curiosity … we still need to replace our crèche, but we’re getting there.
There’s a lot to do. A lot to focus on. And I have to trust the Universe.
I am here, putting down roots in a place I have no intention of staying, in a place I deeply dislike and distrust, but I have to put roots down somewhere, because if I don’t…there will be no foundation for the family…and we need that foundation as a unit…so I put down roots, slowly, tentatively and often grudgingly…in the hopes that the roots I put down here will travel with us as we move and grow, as we travel to our new home, as the family expands. Rooting down here, finding that place, that bedrock, upon which to build our safe positive and compassionate foundation–this is another practice, a daily practice, often a moment by moment practice.
The one thing I learn again and again is that I have to let go of dogging myself out and condemning myself for not being able to maintain a level of positivity every single moment of every day. I just have to take a deep breath and let it all go…and begin again.
It’s a practice. Every day, it will always be a practice.
Life is a journey…not a destination…
I have to keep telling myself that. Trusting the Universe…not always easy…