Pondering No More

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So, I spoke recently (here) about how my daughter’s boyfriend asked me to get back on Facebook so he can friend me and follow me and all of that happy stuff…

I’ve been thinking about it.  A lot.

I am not going to do it.

Although I have many groups that I have been invited to join…and I have actually been kicked out of at least one free email challenge because I told the hostess that I didn’t have a Facebook account…I 1 do not feel good at all about the idea of rejoining Facebook and 2 cannot think of a single thing that I would want to do if I had a Facebook account.

Would I go check other people’s feeds and boards and whatever?  No.

Would I check in with groups, chat, post things, share?  No.

Would Facebook be productive for me in any way?  No.   This is one I have been batting around since he first asked if I would rejoin Facebook–and I keep coming back to–Facebook has nothing to offer me…

The only thing I would do would be to feed my blog, my Instagram and my Pinterest feeds into my Facebook account…and then never log in to Facebook nor would I use it to log in to any other apps…and. let me tell you, there are some apps out there that get very –I mean VERY — cranky when you refuse to log in with facebook…

Finally making that decision to say no to rejoining has actually made me feel better about things again.

I don’t need Facebook.  The guy can follow my blog.  He can follow me on Pinterest–even though most of what I do there is currently private.  He can follow me on Instagram.  I have older family members across the country who use Instagram now so they can follow me because I deleted my original Facebook account.

So…feeling better…just stating it loud and clear right here so everyone hears me…and doesn’t ask me again.

Thanks for listening.

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Still Pondering…

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My daughter’s boyfriend has asked me to go back on facebook because he wants to friend me and follow me…

So–I am wondering.

If I do go back on…what is the benefit for me…because all I will do…because I have actually given this a great deal of thought…is have whatever else I use…like instagram and pinterest and this blog…autopost.  I have no intention nor inclination of interacting with anyone on there.  The only people I plan to friend are people I know who would like to find all the pics of the kids and whatnot in one place…

What is the benefit of it for me?

I have a linkedin for a similar reason…and I don’t do anything on there now that I have set up my profile…and I don’t think I have anything linked to autopost there or anything.  I mostly ignore its existence…and although I glance at the emails I get from linkedin suggesting contacts, I don’t follow through because I have no plans nor desire to be active on that site.

I am still pondering facebook…I will let you know what I decide, if and when I do…

 

It…The Book…

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In 1986, Stephen King published a book called It.

I was fourteen years old.

My father brought home a hard-bound edition and, like every other book in the house, I had to read it.

Over the course of a single weekend, I read that entire book.

It was not a small book then; it is not a small book now.

My father just sent me a new, now paperback, copy of that very same book, so I will have something to read while I recover from my surgery…

It sat there for a day before it was too much for me.  Even though I am reading it slowly, taking my time, not trying to devour and hog it as I did when I was fourteen, I am still way deep into the book.

I do not think, even at the rate I am currently reading, that I will have any of it left to read by Wednesday evening, once I am home…

It, as it was from the beginning, from the first time I touched it, is an engrossing, consuming book.

I read it once, when I was fourteen.  I never touched that book again.  I didn’t need to.  It is not a book I needed to read and reread to remember…I remember every detail, clearly, from then, now at forty-five…every word, every phrase, every scene, all indelibly etched into my psyche…

Mr. King terrified me way back then, with more than just Pennywise, but it was always a good terror, the kind I loved to return to, again and again.

Pennywise, he never made me feel that way.

A month or two ago, we were in a book store, the whole family, and I heard my husband tell our youngest to watch … and the man began to approach me with one of those kitschy little four or six inch vinyl dolls…this one was a Pennywise doll.  As my husband moved forward, towards me, I started edging backward, away from The Clown, until I couldn’t go any further.

That is how deeply embedded in my brain Pennywise is.

I never look into a drain in any sink.  All of my children are very wary around sewer grates because I made them very wary…and I always check the sewer grates and drains, always, to this day, expecting to see a red balloon floating against the wind…or maybe even a yellow rain slicker…

I picked up the book–I have not seen any movie of It–and I expected to drop into it, reading it and finding parts that I had forgotten.  I had looked forward to those moments of, oh yeah, I had forgotten that…

That is NOT what is happening.

As I read, I sink into the story, I slink back into Derry…and I wonder yet again, how to get away from that Clown, once and for all…

But it never happens…because once Pennywise is in there, in your mind, He never leaves.  He slowly feasts upon you for the rest of eternity, or so I suppose…

I have never seen one of the movies. Yet…this time around…I watched the first preview of the new movie…the one where Georgie meets the Clown…and in that preview…long weeks before my father sent me the book…that preview triggered the original horror and fear in me so badly…I don’t really want to see the movie…because I don’t think I’d ever be able to sleep without a blankie, a stuffed animal, and the lights on … for the rest of my life…

And that is a testament to Mr. Stephen King and his Talent…however, due to the fact that Pennywise has scared the begeebers out of me for so long…I might just have to smack the man when I meet him…just because I can bypass a gypsy curse…or I can look a dog in the eye and be afraid, but keep moving on…or I can wish I was Charlie McGee all I want…but I will never shake Pennywise or the fear of Him…so maybe a hug, a handshake…and a nut tap to be honest … but it would be worth it…but then again, maybe Mr King is haunted by Pennywise as well…so maybe I should skip the nut tap and hand the man a bunch of red balloons and walk away and let It take its course.

 

Focus, Focus…

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Where do I shine my light?

The total eclipse of the sun is a reset button…it’s more than just the New Moon and releasing what is unneeded and setting intentions for new goals and/or dreams…it takes the releasing and the setting of intentions to far greater heights.

It’s been an interesting few months here anyway–between the computer crash and being sick and getting married and everything in between…hey, the youngest is officially being homeschooled as of this year…slowly but surely…he proved to me this morning he can spell…hobby (as in hobbykidstv on youtube, if you’re wondering) … now, to get him to spell his own first name…

So many irons in the fire…and last night, as I sat watching Primeval (because we love it) … it struck me…I haven’t spent a great deal of time finishing any of the projects on my to do list of late…not the business related ones.  My house is getting cleaner…one spot at a time…my now five-year-old is getting more independent (thank goodness) and again, the homeschooling…my oldest has a steady job, has graduated high school, and has plans for her future (peace corps, maybe military and then college…) my middle son starts back to public school (much to his ire) tomorrow…I finally finally fought my way through the insurance website and found myself some proper doctors and I have appointments all set up…so maybe I can finally get the help that I need…fingers crossed…

As the home field becomes more…balanced … it’s time I turned my focus to my other work…because my family is my first job, first and foremost…next comes…the writing, the art, the knitting…and that seems to be where and how my focus is heading.

I have a few fiber projects on the needles…I have yarn to start my first full, long sleeved, adult sweater…one of these–I am not sure which one yet…but I have enough yarn to start one…so I am happy.

I recently finished two hats for Duncan…

Kitty cat

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And I am making the same hat, in different yarn, for Miss Evangeline.  Although I am modifying hers somewhat…I am adding attached scarves (basically) to both sides, and making sure the ends of the scarves have pockets for her hands…because she is a dingbat who refuses to wear gloves unless her life is threatened…but since she says she plans to walk to and from work this winter, I want to make sure she’s covered…

I used this hat pattern…because Duncan wanted something with ears….and I wanted something fast and easy, without needing to struggle with decreases, and without needing to make different ears to sew on.  The boy is happy…and now he is waiting for me to knit him his sweater…ahem…it’s going to be one of these too

I also have two more dishcloths to finish off before I am comfortable moving on…and I have a previously started sweater that I am debating on frogging or not…I need to either frog it…or finish it…and I know it’s a top-down sweater that I am about six inches into…so…decisions…

And…I told you I don’t know how long ago that I am using my Tarot cards as writing prompts and writing my way through them…well…I’m slow.  I am currently working on card number … two…  I finished the first piece…in June, I think…I have part of number two written…

The really interesting thing here is that…I don’t think it’s just my usual, hey, there’s a squirrel (as in, distractions) and not having time to write…I think it is because it takes some time for the cards to work on me and work their way through me…I have known since I pulled him from the deck what I wanted to write for card number two, the Shaman…and what I want to write has not shifted at all (since June) … HOW I want to write it HAS shifted…and I think that is the crux of things.  I am not using the cards for anything…we are working together towards something…and something more than the little stories I have concocted to go along with these cards…as I pull them and look at them…a different sort of thread is appearing…and I will share more about that later.

Writing–that has been my schtick for a long time.  It’s time for me to get back to it.

BUT…art was my schtick a long time before the writing…although I did write along with my drawings…and I did make up stories and poems to go along with my drawings…and I think that is where I need to go again…

Lots of things brewing in the cauldron of wisdom over here…lots coming to be shared…

Hang on to your hats, ladies and gentleman…the doors are opening once more and I am sliding through before they open all the way … I am ready for this.

Many blessings.

 

Eclipse

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Today, my family and I watched the eclipse together.

It was such an amazing experience.

Neither my husband nor I got very good pictures…but the experience was more than worth it.

 

I decided last night to take the opportunity of the New Moon (today) coupled with the eclipse….and I started to paint an actual painting in honor of this time.

Beginning of eclipse piece

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I may tell the tale of how she came to be…once she is completed.

I did not intend to have a face…it’s just what happened organically.

There is much much more to come with her…she is merely bare bones at the moment.

I’ll keep you updated.

Blessings.

All Clean Now

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I cleaned up my office/studio space–which is also the actual office area on one side and the dining room on the other…video evidence may make you think otherwise…but I assure you–we have cleaned, organized, re-organized, thrown stuff away, donated stuff, and moved more out and about…and then organized again–which is one reason why it takes so long for me to do things…I work in circles anyway–and then add in all the critters and the kids and their clutter…and it gets even more complicated.

Cleaning can be annoying.

For one, I put things away in safe places…which means–I put them somewhere and forget where that may be…a lot…and it is always stuff I think I will absolutely know where I am putting it.  I spent three days, no joke, trying to find my three hole punch last week.  I found it, after asking my husband if I could borrow one from his work…and then I put it on the shopping list–figuring if I bought a new one, the old one would show up quickly.  Apparently, the threat of having another hole punch in the house did it–the old one showed up.

Good things come from cleaning as well.  I found some old sketchbooks and art journals.  I mean old as in before I ever took an art class, online or otherwise.

As I flipped through these journals, one thing struck me, rather loudly.  I used to have some real fun doing this stuff.  I am not saying I don’t have fun painting faces, or girls, or whatever.  I do … I am currently working on a very large canvas of a whimsical face right now…but I’ll talk more about her some other time.

Before, however, I wasn’t as concerned with … faces, shading, doing things right, shadows, outlines, perfect lines.  I doodled, a lot.  I always have, ever since I was a kid.  In these journals, I would cut stuff out of magazines or wherever, glue it in.  I would sew things to pages.  I would staple and tape.  My brain did not squinch over the whole–is it archival? thing…no, I was worried more about … being me, expressing myself, playing…and that is what I miss.

My new desktop and my printer, with me as a translator, have communication issues.  We’re working on them…but until I learn to speak the required languages and in turn, teach these two to work together…pictures of my work here are going to be few and far between.

You can follow me on instagram if you like…but I almost never post finished paintings there.  I always post works in progress.  Now, if you love knitting projects–those I post all finished and usually being worn by their happy new owner…

I may not show any new work until the finished journal flip-through videos…which may take a long time…but we’ll see…I have to come up with something here soon because I am enjoying what I am doing right now.

I took the silver leaf journal I made/bound myself…the one where I glued in questions from Brave Girls Club and then sort of traced an edge along the inside edge of the pages to make it pretty.  Today I took that journal because I am trying to get back into both a written journal and art journalling…and I wrote out my answer to the question…but I felt very quickly that there needed to be more.  So, I added some paint…and then some more because it just wasn’t covering what I had written.  I had intended to slap on some colors, maybe doodle a bit around the edges, and then write a mantra or main thought of what I wanted to happen around what I had answerer/written before the paint hit the paper.  I did that–didn’t really like it…used a black Stabilo over top of it — in one word, I summed up the entirety of what I had written and what I wanted to remember moving forward…

There is no face on this page.  I guess the word is the focal element.  There is paint, and doodling, and edging…and I really like it.  One day–I’ll show it to you.  It finally feels like me…and that feels good.

I expect to be doing a lot more work, in and out of my journals, using paint, using pens, using yarn…from here on out.

Thanks for following along.

 

Sharing…

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I have been more on hiatus in these past few years since my now 5-year-old was born than I want to admit…even though this has also been such an incredibly productive and creative time for me. I have taken many paths I never thought I might step foot down…and here I am, on the other side…

The interesting thing is I have become sucked into my own wind tunnel…I have been so busy doing other people’s stuff (as in taking classes, reading books, etc etc) and trying to stay sane with two teens and a little guy….and the cats, and the dogs, and the gerbil….and my poor fish…and the plants…I somehow managed to get lost in all of this.

I have been looking at my to do list…the courses I need to create, the ones I need to pull out of outline form, the things I need to test knit, the items I need to knit by request of family members, the things I need to paint, the stories I need to write, the … tails I need to chase…all these strings and things…they all add up…

I have had to admit that I have taken so much time away from me, away from my stuff, that I feel as if I am beginning at the very beginning all over again. My knitting was in such a good space when I got pregnant with my youngest…and now, I often feel that the quality of my abilities has gone down. I don’t read as much as I used to…not just because of the boy, but because my eye sight has shifted and I am still trying to find the best way to deal with that. I want bifocals or something, but the ophthalmologist doesn’t think it’s as bad as I feel it is. If I need a magnifying glass to read…it’s as bad as I feel it is…just sayin’…but I am working on it. My writing…ahhh…when I sit down to write, it feels…stilted and wrong….I have a plethora of pages in my fiction journal now that are all X-ed over…something I have done my whole life, since I was about nine years old….and I feel as if I can’t do it anymore…and that is a shame.

I started doing what I normally do in these situations…I start researching. I start reading blogs and newsletters and what books I can. I start…studying…I start looking outside…and since I am in the midst of creating courses for different things, it hit me in a particular manner that the stuff I am reading is not something I would be offering to myself if I were to create something for someone in my situation.

The truth is…I am not a beginner. I have faith in having a beginner’s mind, yes…but that is not the same as being a complete beginner. The only sources I have come upon of late are for those who are complete beginners…I am someone who is …beginning again. It’s all in there. It’s all inside me. I have to stop—and I have to be allowed to have the silence and the space to be there with myself for more than a second or two at a time—which happens to be the hardest part of all around here…and then…I need to do the work.

I don’t need someone else telling me – this is the work you need to do and this is how you need to do the work. I know what I need to do…and I know how I need to do the work in the way that is best for me…or I did…and I just need to find that space once again…my big issue is with all these voices saying….this is how you do it…don’t do it that way….do it this way.

Ok, so your way works for you…and that is a good thing. I am truly happy for you. You are not me. You are not here. You do not respond to my circumstances as I do. Only I do that. So only I can decide what way works best for me.

And that is the space I am currently in…the whole I know what used to work best for me…I know where I want to be, how I want to do things, where I want to go—it’s just in our currently very shifting paradigm here, finding that space and that quiet time to make things work for me again. It also requires me getting over my fears.

The ground beneath me has not been solid for a long time, in my eyes. In the past few months, especially the past few weeks, things have settled down. Foundations have strengthened. Healthy boundaries have been set and others are being set. The energies around me have grown closer, instead of being all these random shooting stars. I feel I am on solid ground. I have a clear focus. I have some strong goals in place. I no longer worry that these goals won’t be met, or that attaining these goals will be hindered. I feel good. Life feels good. I feel stronger.

I know it is merely a matter of time before the outer shifts come into place as these inner shifts have come.

That feels good.

So what is all this about? This is just me sharing my path with you…it’s a bumpy road…there is a lot of work to be done…but I am back on my own path…and I am doing my own work once again. I hope to start sharing more with you.

Thank you for coming along on this journey with me.